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[2004-10-10 - 12:35 a.m.]

These boots are made for walkin`.

My mother wouldn't dream of putting anything less than study leather shoes on our feet when we were little.

And I've been feeling ugly all day today. Yesterday as well. Come to think of it, the day before I felt homely and before that I think there was a run for about a week of feeling unsightly.

Maybe now, at the ripe old age of 43, it's stupid to think that I will find it somewhere inside myself to spit out exactly what I'm thinking at the time it occurs to me. I've been holding it in my mouth for all my life and it's too late to change.

Instead of speaking the thought, I wear it like an invisible garlic necklace. The smell drifts up into my sinus cavities. The weight of it on the back of my neck gives me a headache. But I can't seem to bring myself to take it off and put it on the table.

Except that lately I'm feeling ugly. And stupid. So I have permission to be disliked. I've given myself permission to be a jackass when necessary. And I'm not afraid if people are mad at me because they're bound to be mad at the ugly stupid person regardless of what she does.

Maybe it's time to stop waiting for 'someone' to stand up for me. Like everything else, I'll just have to do it my ugly stupid self.

And I'm ok with that.