the one thing i can't fix
[2005-06-21 - 1:03 a.m.]

"If we lived

in a world

without tears...


how would scars find skin

to etch themselves into..


how would broken

find the bones?"


I got the live from the filmore lucinda williams cd set. It's smashing. The performances were the some of the best that I've ever heard. And I'm not just talking about a band that's completely in sync, but her lyrics aren't just beauty and poetry, they're almost prayer-like. And I have a habit of enjoying such stuff.


With each passing year, I'm finding myself increasingly aware of the inevitable loss of my Mom. For my part, I"m trying my best to make peace with everything that she means to me before she's gone, because at this point, she's too aged and unwell to make any attempt toward peace on her own.

I'm less concerned about her dying alone, or in physical pain, or needing for things. My biggest fear for her is based on what I've seen in my professional life: to die bitter with regret and in great emotional pain. And that's truely the one thing that I can't fix for her. While the resurrection hope does take some of the sting out of that image for me, I don't want her to have to go thru the cold hopeless exprience of feeling buried alive in your own poison until you can't hold your breath any more and you load both lungs full of it. So, I'll hope and pray that she can bring herself around before it's too late.

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