dazed and confused but not periwinkle blue
[2006-01-06 - 1:04 a.m.]

No one would know, just by looking at me, how fulfilled and appreciative of my blessings that I actually am.

When I look at my children, and my circumstances, and what trouble I have so far avoided, I feel deeply happy. It seems that this should would be enough to make me glow. There's a glow deep in my heart, and the majority of my prayers are interlaced with more thanksgiving and praise than begging for relief and endurance and forgiveness. There are more beautiful things with me than I can count.

But...

The happier I feel, the more certain I am that something will be on the heels of that happiness to bring it crashing down. Ignoring that sense of doom isn't always easy, but most of the time I manage to push it back, with a cookie or a scoop of something good.

Is it wrong for me to freeze in my tracks at the thought of miserable fortune? The longer I go without meeting 'the monster' the worse it is.

Speaking of meeting the monster, I saw my Mom yesterday for a few minutes. In that short time, she managed to accuse me of trying to avoid her, as well as her offer of treating our family out to dinner this past week. We JUST haven't been able to all get the same day off. Listen, I don't want to spend time with her because she behaves in a very antisocial way pretty much every minute we are together.

Does that make me a bad person?